Rule 1 - Somehow you two have gotten it into your heads that I like it when you stick your asshole in my face. I am unsure of how you came up with this, but I really do not want to stare at your balloon knot. Believe it or not, your ass smells like ass. I do not enjoy smelling ass.

Rule 2 - When you see me napping on the couch, do not lie on my face. I use that face for breathing. Also, this usually leads to a violation of Rule 1.

Rule 3 - For the love of God, learn to keep your food down. I don’t know which one of you it is, but quit puking on my bathroom rug. My mind is not usually awake enough to avoid such mines early in the morning. Cat vomit between the toes is one of the nastiest feelings in the world. It’s just fucking gross. Seriously.