English speakers in America need a rule book to tell us what people can say what words when, and under which set of circumstances. The rule book will be longer than the Patriot Act and will require weekly updates as new words and circumstances are added. Perhaps a Nasdaq-style ticker would be more efficient.

Perhaps sensing that such constantly scrolling rules have a whiff of fascism about them, the scowling Miss Grundys of the world think they have hit on the perfect omnibus rule. They instruct us to "be nice." (There's a word for the grim Miss Grundys, but apparently I'm not allowed to use it. Sarah Silverman is. This will be all in the rule book.)

I, for one, promise to implement the "be nice" policy just as soon as the other side surrenders.