Super-Speed Mice

Biologists

in Cleveland

have taken ordinary field mice and

for explosive bursts of energy.

The mice also live longer, eat more, mate more often

and when provoked, inform you in thick Russian accents that they "must break you."

Well, Cleveland is boring.

Jellyfish-Monkeys

When your children ask you how the Jellyfish Apes came to be your masters

tell them "it all began in the year 2000

Cow-People

peaceful, harmless cow with just a horrifying smidge of man thrown in

Zombie-Pigs

scientists are currently researching ways to remove the genes responsible for stress and aggression from pigs

Spider-Goats

a Canada-based research team and wretched hive of scum and villainy, have successfully spliced together the genes of the common goat with those of two different species of orb-weaving spiders.

The scientists goal is to produce spider silk