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PLEASE listen carefully as this menu has changed.

Thank you for your interest in our service. If this is a true spiritual emergency, please hang up and dial the number on the upper left-hand corner of the mailing label of your last solicitation. Otherwise, please stay on the line and your prayers will be answered in the order in which they were received.

All right, let me see if I can help you. Please say the category for which you are supplicating. For example, if you are praying for help with a personal life problem, say “Problem.” If you are praying for a material object like a new Lexus, say “Car.”

Uh.

It’s hard to describe. Things no longer make ... sense ...

I think you said, “Vengeance.” Is this correct?

Good, because Vengeance is mine

I want help without having to go through six levels of options.

I think you said you would like help with sexual dysfunction. Is this correct?

My problem is ... I ... forgot why I called